This entry that I am going to talk about is been on my mind for quite some time. I am dealing with fitting in the social world. Even when I was younger it is hard for me to fit in. I try so hard at the time to act a certain way that a typical person does naturally.I am naturally the outcast in the group because of my hard time with social situations. Its hurts me that people do not give me a chance to get to know me. I know that I can not make people like me ,but it just hurts that people are this world are like that.
My other problem I try to figure out some of stuff that most people are talking about. One thing that I never understand is gossip. I not the type of person that gossips about other people. It just not cool and it does hurt the other person in the end. If someone told me about someone else I just listen but I just don't say anything about it. It just does not wrap my mind why people do that it just not get my attention to me at all. I also don't get some of the trends that people talk about around me it just does not fascinate me. It just pointless. I notice that I have don't follow trends as much. Where I live I do have a good family that loves me and a good group of friends that accepted me as I am. However, it is so hard to tell them some stuff because, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or make anyone upset. I keep some of the stuff to myself. Like I say before I have interested and obsessions that I wish I could talk about. For example like some of my friends I can talk to them about Doctor Who and some of the anime shows that we discuss. I have a group of other friends that I could talk about Nurodiversity and Autism stuff. If I talk to a random stranger, I would have a hard time keeping a conversation. I don't know what to talk about in that situation and it just hard for me to get that persons attention. I not a shy person it just my nerves it preventing me to have a conversation. I just thinking if this person is interested in me or if they find me weird just a lot of things that runs on my mind. I also worried about how they going to respond to me and if i could read their cues or not. I just don't know what kind of question to ask them in the moment it just overwhelming. But when it comes to groups its the harder part for me because it will be a few people in the group that did not even notice that I was there and since some people in the group know me and there are some people in the group that does not know me so I have to catch up to see how the person is. I am in the process of dealing that in my circle of friends and it is still a overwhelming thing to deal with. I have a hard time catching up with the conversation since it just goes so fast and my mind cannot focus on one thing at a time. I sometimes have to sit there pretending that i know what they talking about even though I have know idea what is going on. My issue is that I don't know what to talk about to some people. Some people it is easier to talk about anything and open about what is up with me. Then some of the conversations tend to be one sided and it just frustrating sometimes because I do have some stuff i wish i could tell people but I just could not because the person might not be interested on what I am going to say.
I also like the being the outcast. I don't have to deal with the peer pressure as much. I glad I do not have to go though that because If I had I would of done anything for people to accept me. I would also dertrmand to do anything to keep the friendships I have because of some pressure. I would also could be so open minded on what kind of people to hang with now. I don't mind talking to someone that is diffrent from the societies version of normal. Also dealing with drama within the group of people I will admit that it is very overwhelming to deal with.
I would have to also blame the society that I have to become something I not. It was so hard to be in a typical world confined what makes me who I am as a person. I just wish that I did not have to deal with that when I was younger. Now that I am older,I am trying my best to be myself. I would say I am so happy that I have many people in my life that accepts me for who I am. If any one that read this I would like to say thanks for getting to know me as a person.
This is well-written and I'm glad that you're strong enough to be the outcast if that's what it takes to be true to yourself.
ReplyDeleteStay strong. It is so challenging in this society to be on the Autism Spectrum. I have very few friends and u know what you mean about trying to keep up with conversation. Sometimes it seems impossible. But as time goes by I have found that mimicking conversational skills has gotten easier.
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger than you know.
I know that feel. Social pressures are not my thing. I will have excellent talking skills one second, then I'll completely forget what I was talking about - or leading up to. Talking to people is so awkward anymore, it feels better to be alone sometimes. :)
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