Sunday, January 26, 2014

My Obsticals Of My High School Years

This post right here is going to be the most emotional one for me and it is pretty long so please bear with me. High School for me was the most stressful thing that I have had to deal in a long time. There were some good things that happened to me and there were some bad things that happened to me and I have to say I am surprised that I made it out of there like I did.

Before I entered high school, I was in my high school’s band camp for the summer to prepare for the marching band season. I had met some other freshman so we could get the fundamentals and socially it was ok. The upper classmen were helping us at the time and  some of them were really intimidating since they were older. My freshman year was a pretty good year for me. I had decent courses like English, Physical Science, and Math. I also took ROTC since that was the requirement instead of PE and that was an easy class. Yes some of the classes I  took were easier and others mostly because I have some great teachers and not so great teachers when it comes to their teaching methods.Socially it was a good year.I went to lunch and I didn't sit by myself. I had a couple of people I would sit with at lunch and one person I had a thing for.  I met him though someone I knew in elementary school.  Also some of the seniors I meet were pretty cool. It was kind of sad when they graduated, I never really heard from them until a couple of years after I  graduated and I still talk to some of them. The bad part of my social issue is that I didn't get to do other activities that I wanted to do at that time because band took over my life. Going to the football games, having rehearsals, and competitions were all sacrifices. Also when it comes to marching band it was really hard for me. I am not the most coordinated person so when it comes to marching, it is not easy for me. To hold the flute parallel to the ground is not easy for my body. Also those practices took a toll on my body to the point that I would pass out.Also the medication I was on had that effect since we were marching over and over again so it would cause my head to spin. So my mom, the band teacher and I decided that next year I would sit out for the marching part. Also the band teacher was not the best teacher because his teaching methods were not working for me since he did not know how to play most of the instruments and was hard on us. Then when it came to the competitions, we tried our best to perform and he would not tell us did a good job and he would criticize that we did not place on top. When it comes to the concert part I did like it despite his methods. One time we had to play a piece of our music and if we failed we could not eat the pizza. I am a good player but my nerves got the best of me so I did not get a good mark and I could not eat the pizza. But when it came to the concerts we didn't start on time but the good part is that I got to see my good friend that I had a crush on. The other bad part is the people that I thought were my friends in middle school did not really talk to me when we got to high school. Two of the girls were in the color guard and one of them just changed out of nowhere. Also like I said before I have a crush on a friend that I met through someone. And he and I had lunch together and also I talked about him so much that one of my teachers heard my conversation and called my mom about it.

Sophomore year was the year that started a downfall for me but also there were some exiting things that happened. First of all I returned to band since I thought it would go well for me and I was wrong. I realized that the steps of the marching were easier than last year and he would let me do it because of the IEP that happened last year. Also he would not put me on pit because he was afraid that I could not handle it. I wish I could have proved him wrong at that time but oh well. So basically I just sat at the sidelines. .I had to come to the football games anyways to play for the football team.As everyone would get ready for the halftime show I would just sit on the stands alone. Of course I was bullied in band because I am the awkward one in the band. So I tried everything and nothing worked and I even told the band teacher and he called me a cry baby. Then also the music for the concert band was not fully easy for me to play since the figuring was not easy for the flute and of course I was not  a professional so I could not take it anymore so in the middle of my sophomore year I decided enough was enough and I quit It makes me sad that I quit but the band teacher took my joy of playing away from me and my passion. Also the really messed up part is that I wanted to do jazz band and he told me they don’t have the flute in jazz music and I know there is a flute jazz musicians because I bought a CD with a jazz flute player. Now I can think about it for those two years he did not really want to deal with me but he have to since I signed up for the class. The other news is that they have a Health Science program at my high school and that makes me happy because that is one of my interests. I love Anatomy and physiology, learning about diseases and disorders and taking care of people. I learned a lot in that class like taking the blood pressure, temperature, and listening to the heart rate. The teacher seemed pretty nice and caring and also the class was pretty hands on so it was and still is one of my favorite classes. Socally this is the part that had its up and downs. I was at lunch and there was this girl sitting close to where I was sitting at and I thought she was a teacher since she had those thick glasses and I found out that she was a student. She asked me if I was in ROTC and of course I told her yes and we clicked and started talking and I even went to her house and that was the first time in my life that I went to someones house outside of school and of course for me it felt weird. She and I are still friends even though she moved to another state but we still keep in touch. Also I think she is on the spectrum but that is another story to come. The friend I have a crush on started dating other girls and of course that made me so jealous. So one day when he was single I asked him out, I got rejected and he told me that  he only sees me as a friend so it really hurt me. I cried the whole time at school and I tried so hard not to cry but I was so crazy I was so clingy since I did not want to lose him as a friend. Even my mom told me not to be with him but it was so hard for me since I was obsessed with him and that that autism side of me. I go hard when I really like someone and I start to have that attachment thing. I will also talk about that more in the future. I also got a chance to do some of the extracurricular actives I did before band but it was a struggle because band goes first. Then when I quit band I had the freedom to do other activities that I wanted to do. One of my favorites was drama because I could act out in scenarios and the good part about having drama is that it does help out in some social situations.

My Junior year was pretty hard for me. I met some good people for 2 years and one morning I went to school  and I was sitting down reading my book with the people I knew. All of a sudden one person said some stuff that was hurtful like I was following them and I was trying too hard. Also they would tell me go away and leave them alone. In my mind I was so confused and I was hurt and overwhelmed with emotions and the sad thing is the guy I had been friends with did not stand up for me. The only person that stood up for me was my friend that had the thick glasses at the time So at those times I was hurt but I just distanced myself and tried to figure out how to have more people in my circle. The classes I was taking were pretty hard and miserable at the same time. I didn't really fit in with my classmates and some of the teachers didn't understand my needs and it was hard to go to class especially after lunch because that was when the stress came into play for me. I also experienced my first panic attack ever when I was about to go to class and thank god it did not last that long but it was really scary.  Also I went to prom that year. Sadly I did not have a date to go with me. However, I went with 2 girls at the time and even though the music at prom sucked at least I could go. One of my other classes I liked the most was Food and Nutrition. I knew how to cook before I took the class, but the stuff we made was quite interesting and fun. The best part about that class was that I had it first period so I didn't have to eat breakfast when it was our day to cook
I could just eat what we made

My Senior year was the most stressful year for me. It was the year that I was getting ready to prepare for college. Also it was the year that I tried to get my grades up and deal with my social life. Academically there were some classes I liked such as my government and economics class, English, and Health Science Tech 2. Closer to end of the of my senior year is when  it was so hard for me socially. I mostly talked to my teachers at the time and thank god some of them liked me as a student. I’m glad I did most of the clubs. I got accepted to a community college and my GPA was almost a 3.0

My second time at prom was better although  I still  did not have a date . I went with a friend that had been there for me since Sophomore year. I danced the night out and had the best time that night. The only thing we did as seniors was the picnic. That was pretty boring and it was in our football field. I did not have close friends in my own class at all. Some of them did talk to me of as an acquaintance or a classmate so it was kind of hard to go to the picnic. Graduation was bittersweet for me. I heard people tell my mom that I would never graduate from high school but I proved them wrong. As I got my diploma and found out that it was over I was happy that I worked hard and had help on the way from mostly family and teachers. Then when summer hit that’s when I got sad since I would not see most of the people again.

I have gone though some ups and downs. There are some times I wanted to give up but I was determined to stick by it and work the best I knew how. And as I look back I don’t miss high school at all but it got me to where I could be in the present moment.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

My Obsticals Of My Middle School Years

 Middle school was one of the most emotional and stressful years of my life.  I know that some people I went to elementary school is going to be in a different middle school from the middle school I was going to at the time. In six grade I was so intimidated that some of the classes I went to, I never really experience students being so rude to the teachers. That make me so uncomfortable because at most of the students at the time are not really not nice. Sixth grade was a pretty decent year for me. I was still in speech therapy and I told my speech therapist  and  my mom to stop because it was interfering with my classes at the time. I also remember having a hard time using the lockers because it was so hard to open so most of the time. Then learning the combination lock was a pain. I have to carry my books with me and it was a struggle going class to class with the books on my hand. People do not open the door for me when my hands or full. When my books drop on the ground most of my classmates just laugh and not help me pick up my books. Also this is the year that I started band. The instrument I was playing was the flute and I enjoyed playing the music and learning the notes and reading some music. My favorite song to play at the time was the Star Wars Theme Song. I really like my band teacher because he is not as mean and he is really helpful with the instruments and stuff like that. I started resource when I was in Fifth grade and that is like a small class that help mostly disabled people with the academics  that we struggle with. So when I hit sixth grade I did not do science and social studies because I ended up in resource and that really make me so mad because I love science and social studies. So I have to do reading math and English and I hated English and reading those are my weakness. Also socially is such a struggle I could not really talk to my peers because one they are really intimidating to me and also some of them don't even talk to me.I was teased for my clothing and fact that I weird when I having a conversation. My classmates will poke at me  fun and say someone likes me and I will fall for it and then they started to giggle. A few times when I sit at a lunch table they will tell me someone is sitting there and I have to find a table to sit at and it was so hard for me to find someone to talk to so at those times that is when I start talking to the teachers.

Seventh grade its not to much things that went going on.I was taking honors classes at the time. and the difference between the honors classes and the regulars classes is that I can take foreign  language and mine was Spanish. I have some really good teachers at the time. I like my Geography teacher. He got me into geography at the time and I use to know the capitals of all the states and his teaching method is really great. I also like my Science class of course I learn a lot from that class. I remember that since I was a honors student, we and the Sail witch is the like the smarter kids we went to Disney for I guess a week and I end up with my mother since she volunteered to go. I glad that she went because being with the other students was very hard since I like different things from them. For example they will complain about Epcot because of the lack of rides and I do like it because it was educational and I learn about the countries and stuff like that.

Eight grade is the most emotional and stressful year for me. One issue I have is that I have a English teacher that always give me a hard time. I mostly end up crying and having melt downs and sometimes she does not  understand that I have bad days. I have a hard time with some of the assignment and is not easy for me so of course I was frustrated and she dos not help me all the time. Also I was feeling so alone at the time classmates don't talk to me as much and I was going though days that I was crying every day.I feel so invisible all the time because of that. My grades start slipping and my self esteem is low. That's when I started having depression. I was thinking of killing myself because I did not get the attention that I needed. I have to go though therapy for my emotions and that did not fully work out to much because my theapist at that time end up talking to my mother. I did not eat lunch in the lunch room because of not fitting in with the other peers but I eat in the class room with my resource teachers and other kids. Few of them confer t me at the time and it was nice.To bad it only lasted for only that year alone. Also this was the year that I have a death of a family member and it was infected me at the time. I also went though a time that I was suspended because of a miss interpretation that I said to a teacher.I was actually kicked out of the classroom because of an argument. I was crying and a teacher come out of the bathroom and she was asking me what was wrong.I said to her I felt like a monster was inside of me and also I felt like killing my teacher. Then I have to go to court for that situation and thank God I did not have nothing bad against me.The teacher that I was talking about did not even felt threatened. I thank God that she and my family stood by me and plead my case.  Also my dad lost his job around that time and it was upsetting. I look back now I glad my dad is home more than on the road..Even though I was going though a lot that that year. I did end up passing my classes and got prepared for high school.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

To Be Cured Or Not To Be Cured?

This is one of the topic that is somewhat debatable in the autism community.When I was younger, I did not like being autistic at the time. The reason why is that  I wanted to be just like everyone else to the point that I did not want to be make fun of for my weirdness or my awkwardness with people. I also do not like that I was the outcast and I was struggling fit into society. At those times I thought if the cure came I could be normal and I could be popular and my classmates will get to know me.Also the  teachers wont be intimidated by me or treated me differently. When I was like my junior year of high school, I have this dream that when I was not autistic.I was  this popular girl and was bulling someone that is nerdy or the outcast.After I bullied the person, a lot of people worship me and lift me up like I was like this queen of the school. I realize is not right so my mindset has changed as I woke up. that's when I started  getting to accept myself.  I still  wanted to keep my autism it to myself.The reason was that  I do not want the rejection or making fun off at the time.I also did not feel comfortable telling people because of their reaction. In 2009 I meet someone that changed my life and taught me that it does not matter what people think.So I wanted to get to know other people on the spectrum online and  I meat some really interesting people on it. Couple of them I still really good friends with. Some of them were talking about boycotting Autism Speaks and at those times I did not really think about the organization at the t time. One day  I watch some of the Autism Speaks  videos read some about them on Facebook and I was so surprised that they would do such a thing. They don't even have autistic people at the organization. They also say they destroy families and its like a crises like we are like the plague or something . They also trying to use the money mostly  do recherche for the cure.  One of the reasons why I not for the cure because personally is something I am born with and it just makes me a interesting person . I am really straight forward and I see in pictures and also I will take the information the best that I know how. I also think is a wiring in the brain so if I did have the cure i mean I could have brain damage and it would not be a good thing. The other reason is that I would not be the same person as I am right now I am a type of person that does give people a chance. Also I am really open minded on certain things. Also if my autism is taking away I would not have my passion or my interest that i have now and it would be a different situation. I know having autism has it struggles how ever everyone has there obstetrical and that is how life is. Now I do accepted it as a part of me. I still don't tell everyone about it but it's ok if people could accept that about me that is  cool and if not is there lost. I hope anyone that read this could understand my reasons of having a cure or not having a cure.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Overcoming Obsticals of my Childhood

Like I say before I was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 3 or 4 and I am 24 years of ages so if anyone know the math yest it was the 90's era at the time. It was a hard thing to deal with especially for my parents, mostly my mom, since my dad is a truck driver and he was over the road a lot.My mom was one of the main people and still is one of the main people that got me to be who I am today. I also  went though so much therapy like speech occupational physical and music but she also was hands on with me how to communicate such as sign language.Right now I could not remember what my first word was but it is a miracle to everyone that I am talking though.I would say that music therapy is the one that  help me the most and it mostly save my life.That is one of the reason why I love music to this day. Kindergarten was the time that I knew when I figured out I  was different.I do not remember to to much of the time back then however, I do remember the first half I was in special education class and then got me in the mainstream class. As I got into first grade I have try doing that but I said not like the other kids in the autistic class so I was in the regular class so ever since then I have done mainstream class but I have some help but I will talk about it some other time. Second grade was hell mostly because the teacher does not get me at all and me and her did bump heads.She does not understand how I am. One time My class and another class were doing a Thanksgiving play and she assign me as a Pilgrim and I was so mad I argued with her and told her I wanted to be an Native American. The main reason why is because I have a more realistic mindset and of course I could not pull of that look since I am darker.In third grade was the year I have have a mature side to me.One example I have is I  had a crush on a guy at a time but,he is really older since he was my teachers son at the time.I kind of got teased for that my class always ask me about that.But that year is not as bad for me. Forth grade is the best year for me at that period and that because the teacher I have believes in me since day one and also she is so funny and also have like the soulful in her and she is still the only few teachers in my life that I would have in my life she was at my high school graduation and I would invite her to my wedding stuff like that I love her so much I don't know what I do with out her. Fifth grade is the most stressful year because is the transitioning period to middle school and as a autistic person, I do not do well with change. I will not see some of the people again and it would be more scary to see what sixth grade is going to be. Socially it was kind of easier a bit but I did not know I suppose to see friends after school so mostly I did not think about hanging out with them outside of school or calling them i was mostly homework and playing with toys. I rather go to the library to read nonfiction books then going outside because of the hot weather mostly and sometimes there were gnats. If I have to go to recess I mostly be on the swings and I can look back and that is part of a sensory output that I have. Also during the lunch hours at that time its not as bad because we have to sit with our class and i was not as stressful to much and I did not think to much about fitting in or anything like that. I have been teased a bit also but is not as like bulling teasing to much. Well this concludes my Elementary School year experience.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Introduction to My Blog

Hello my  name Danielle and I do have Autism and I been diagnosed at the age 3 or 4 years old. The reason why I am writing this blog because I have so many things to say about my life as an autistic person that most people do not know abut me.Also I wanted to raise awareness that I could speak for myself and other people on the spectrum  that having a hard time having  their voices heard. I am also a nerd. I might talk about some political issues that comes to mind or some science stuff that got my attention. I am also into Anime, Doctor Who and some other fandom stuff that catches my eye. I will also talk some of the personal stuff that is mostly autism related and how I over come the obstacle or still struggling those obstacles Well this is it for now I do not  want to go to much detail right now but I hope anyone read this and understand some of the situations that I have going though.